I Don't Belong Here
by XavierJulius
Summary: Kendall has admired Logan's beauty for as long as he can remember, and gives in to temptation. But is it still considered rape when Logan loves him back?
1. Chapter 1

**I Don't Belong Here**

**{Edited: 8/21/13 (but it still sucks)}**

**This is based off "Creep" by Radiohead, so yeah.**

** (Kendall's POV)**

I wanted to look him right in the eye and tell him, but I just couldn't. He could never love me.

Logan is just like an angel; pale, soft skin, those deep chocolate eyes. He always looks so fragile. It makes me cry thinking he could be hurt. He floats through his life. The world is beautiful through his eyes. It's hell through mine. He's so fucking special, and he doesn't even realize it.

"Creep! Weirdo!" my mind tells me. I'm not deserving of this life. What the hell am I doing, wasting my time dreaming about a boy who likes girls? A fag like me doesn't belong here.

I'm getting what I want: Logan. He may not love me, but I love him, and I can't wait any longer. Just this once, I'll get what I've dreamed of.

"Hey, Logan," I call mock-innocently as I walk into our bedroom.

"Yeah?" he asks, hopping off of his bed to face me.

"I have something to tell you."

"Oh?" he wonders, stepping slowly toward me.

I grab his wrists, pinning him up against the door. I look at his face, horrified and frozen with shock.

"I want you," I whisper, thrusting my hips into his.

He shivers, trying to push me off.

"K-Kendall," he squeaks, "I-I…"

"Hush," I command, biting at his lips.

For a moment, I recognize that I'm really hurting him, someone who I love, but I ignore it. I need this; I need _him. _He continues trying to push me away, but his strength is much lesser than my own. I pull him to his bed, straddling him and covering his jaw line with bites and kisses.

I whisper in his ear, "You don't know how long I've wanted to do this for," as I begin to pull down his jeans. I rip off his and unbutton my own jeans, pulling them off along with my boxers. I begin to rub Logan through his boxers. He continues crying and writhing under me, an almost heartbreaking thing, as I pull of his boxers completely.

"I love you, Logie, but I need to do this," I whisper as I line myself up with his entrance and push in with one swift movement. Slowly, I begin to thrust in and out of him.

"Stop, Kendall" he screams almost inaudibly, "I-It hurts."

"I don't care if it hurts," I whisper back harshly, "I want to have control." He whimpers, but I ignore it. I need this perfect body of his, the one holding the possibly even more perfect soul that I've envied for so long.

I thrust in harder, faster, deeper, making him scream and writhe and sweat. I try to imagine that they're screams of pleasure, but who am I kidding? He's definitely _not _enjoying this.

Then it hits me again. "Creep! Weirdo! You shouldn't do this. You love him! What the hell are you doing?" I pull out slowly, gently kissing his lips and whispering, "I'm sorry" nervously countless times. I redress myself without another word. He slowly and timidly gets up to dress himself as well, staring at me, frightened, with those deep and innocent eyes, almost making me get lost in them yet another time.

"Don't speak of it," I warn, walking out of the room.

Nobody else is home, but I can't stay alone with Logan, so I grab the keys to the BTR-mobile and head out the door. I don't know where I'm going, but I sure as hell can't stay here. I don't belong here.


	2. Chapter 2

**{Edited: 8/21/13}**

_Logan's POV_

Ever since the incident with Kendall, I haven't really felt anything but scared, alone, and confused. He says he loves me but… it can't be true. If he loved me, he wouldn't have put me through that much pain. Now every time I see him I feel insecure. Whenever I look at him, he looks away. I can't read his facial expressions. He looks blank almost, but with a hint of something else. Maybe regret, anger, fear… It's never a happy look. I think we've both lost our right to feel pleasure. Which is why Carlos has been pissing me off lately.

I mean, he's just a huge fucking ball of sunshine, isn't he? Just bouncing around without a care as if everything is all rainbows and unicorns. It's disgusting, really. I don't see how someone can go that long and not feel a single bad feeling. He doesn't even stop to think that sometimes we're not in the mood for his sunshiny bullshit. He's too busy basking in his own fun to realize that the rest of us are dying inside.

James isn't even talking to Kendall and I. He got all annoyed that we've been upset and started spending more time with Guitar Dude than I knew anyone could handle. It makes me really angry that he just up and stopped talking to Kendall and I without wondering what was wrong. He just thinks too much about himself to care. And now he's sitting by the pool, stoned as ever, pretending he can play the bongos and letting gross girls hang all over him.

I still can't get over what happened with Kendall. I mean, I used to consider myself bisexual but after being invaded that way by _another guy_, I can't even think about anyone in more than a friendly way, especially guys. I just feel so violated and so confused.

I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do. I'm too afraid to tell anyone, and yet too weak to deal with this on my own. James and Carlos won't talk to me about it, Kendall is out of the question, and Mama K might send me back to Minnesota. Actually, I'd be okay with that right now, because Gustavo is really pissing me off.

He knows that there's something big bothering me, but he keeps yelling at me anyways. He won't just calm down and let me be upset. It's really bugging me, and I can tell Kendall's not too thrilled either.

Right now, I'm so incredibly conflicted. We're at dinner. Carlos is stuffing his face, James is telling Mama K all about how Guitar Dude taught him how to surf today, and Kendall is too focused on his phone to look up at any of us. That leaves me, pushing rice around my plate solemnly, and Katie watching me with a sympathetic yet confused look on her face. She might just force me to tell her later.

I'm doubting that things will ever be okay again. This has been the scariest and loneliest week of my life, and I have nobody who cares. I'm so conflicted that I can't really stay stable for more than a couple hours at a time. When will this pain end?


	3. Detective Katie

**Chapta 3 is here y'all! Have no fears! And this, my dear lovely reader, is a chapter in Katie's point of view! Enjoy! (:**

**(I'd like to point out that I was really tired while writing this, and I get kind of silly while tired. So I was thinking out a lot of this chapter in a detective voice. Therefore, if you'd like to think of Katie as some form of detective and read her thoughts in that way, it might be entertaining. Otherwise, just carry on. Either way, I'm sure you'll get the gist of the investigation idea and such. Read on!)**

_Katie's POV_

I didn't like the way Logan and Kendall looked at the dinner table. Logan was pushing his food back and forth on his plate, looking too scared and depressed to do anything. Kendall was angry, checking his phone every two seconds as if he was expecting a call from his worst enemy or something. But I was getting the feeling that Kendall's worst enemy didn't need to call him, and that the person he was waiting on was sitting right there at the table with him. Because there was a slight hint of regret in Kendall's face masked by all the aggression. And so that just left one question: What did Kendall do to make Logan so upset?

I decided I needed to investigate this. But, before taking action and approaching one of the teenage nightmares, I decided to do some background information. I gathered all the information I could. I looked through their bedroom, managed to get a hold of Logan's phone for a few minutes, and even asked a few Palm Woods residents about the situation. The data collected was as follows:

On Logan's side of the room, the first thing I noticed was that his bed wasn't made like it usually would be. The bedding was pushed lazily to the side, revealing the large crater where Logan had been lingering in bed longer than usual. The shape of this crater revealed that Logan most likely been sleeping curled up in a ball. A quick touch to his pillow revealed that it was wet, but it didn't seem to be the usual drool from a heavy sleep. These spots were small and scattered, possibly the result of tears. I also encountered a copy of "Winnie the Pooh", both Kendall and Logan's childhood favorite, resting on the bedside table where a medical journal, school textbook, or vocabulary-rich novel would normally be found.

Then I examined Kendall's side of the room. The first thing that came to my attention was that he had ripped up papers piled on the floor beside his bed. At further examination, they seemed to hold a few things. One was a sheet with handwritten lyrics (no doubt in Kendall's tall, capital-only handwriting) to "Creep" by Radiohead. I made a mental note to get a copy of these lyrics later on. The next page was a letter of some sort. It was written in really poor cursive so I couldn't depict much of it, but I'm almost certain it was to Logan. After the papers were placed exactly as found back on the floor, I proceeded to check out Kendall's bed. His pillow appeared to have bite marks in it, and a large stain in a slightly darker shade than the white bed sheets became grossly apparent to me. I decided that that was just Kendall's personal disgust, and that the stain wasn't to investigate. Nonetheless, I was curious about the papers and the bite marks.

Later, I was sitting with Logan on the couch when Kendall came in. Logan quietly sulked away out of the apartment, and Kendall came and took his place. He gave me a strange look, almost like he was silently begging me not to figure out what was going on. But I was going to. I subtly slipped Logan's phone into my pocket and wandered off to my room.

Logan's recent calls showed that he had ignored three calls from Carlos, and one from James. A quick scan through his photos showed that any memories of him and Kendall had been erased. The texts were the most revealing thing, though. He had many unanswered "Are you okay?"s from James. A visit to his "Sent" texts showed that he had denied any invitations to hang out, and had told almost everyone that he "just wasn't feeling well." But the most important part was that he had told James, "I have to tell you something about Kendall. I don't know how to say it but I'll tell you tonight, okay?" to which James replied, "About Kendall? Okay…" So, Logan was upset by something Kendall did…

After checking these I carefully placed Logan's phone back where I found it before sprinting down the stairs to the lobby, not wanting to wait for the elevator. I casually walked out to the pool, where I saw many of Logan's friends hanging out without him. I first approached Camille and Lucy, who were sitting by pool cabana #2 drinking pink smoothies.

"Hey," I greeted them, smiling politely, "Uh, have any of you guys talked to Logan lately?"

"I saw him earlier," Camille recalled, "I said hi to him, and he said hi back in a sort of distant voice. That's when I realized he was looking at Kendall. At first I thought it was a longing glace, like he liked him or something. But then I realized that he looked hurt, like he was afraid of Kendall. Then they made eye contact for a second before Kendall made this weird face- a mixture between anger and guilt- and quickly looked away. Logan just walked away after that, sort of hanging his head as he went back into the building."

"Weird…" Lucy commented.

"Yeah, I'm worried about him," I explained, "Maybe I should talk to him or… my big brother. Well, I'm gonna go! See ya."

I quickly made my way back to the apartment, carefully knocking on the door of the bedroom the two opposing boys shared. To my dismay, it was Logan who called out "What?"

"Um, do you know where Kendall is?" I asked.

I could almost see him wincing at the blonde's name before he softly spoke, "I think he's in the park."  
>"Thanks."<p>

When I got to the park, I saw Kendall sitting on a bench by James, headphones in, staring angrily at the ground and kicking the dirt. James was pretending to read a magazine, but it was obvious that he was really staring at Kendall with a concerned expression. I approached them slowly.

"Hey, big brother."

Kendall yanked one of the headphones out of his ear, looking up at me with a blank expression.

"What?"

"I need to talk to you," I pleaded, "Come back to the apartment with me?"

"I'm not getting up."  
>I looked at James with an apologetic smile, him talking the hint and half-heartedly getting up and walking away. I sat down beside my brother.<p>

"What did you do to Logan?"

Kendall's blank expression instantly melted into a stare of anger.

"What did tell you?" he growled, "I swear I'm gonna…"

"He didn't tell me anything. But I'm not stupid."

Kendall sighed, guilt returning to his face.  
>"I… I hurt him… In the worst way possible. I loved him; I still love him, but now he hates me. I'm such a fucking idiot…"<p>

"What did you do…?"

"I… he… it was illegal," he whispered.

That's when it hit me. Logan's crying; there's a reason why he can't tell anyone. It was illegal. And it hurt, but if Kendall loved Logan, what kind of hurt could it have been? Rape. That explained the lyrics, the aggression, the guilt… everything. And there's only one reason Logan wouldn't tell anyone; he loves Kendall. Why else would he cover up the illegal thing he did.

"He loves you…" I whisper before running away.

**This took so long to write that I feel like it should be longer. Hopefully, more next weekend! Enjoy! And make sure you review and tell me what should happen next(;**


	4. Chapter 4

He loves me? No. No, Logan doesn't love me. Logan doesn't love anyone, or anything. Logan is cold. He's a beautiful cold, floating through the world with a light heart, but cold nonetheless. He couldn't love a monster like me, never. Why would Katie even say that? What does she know? Does she even realize what I meant when I told her about what I did? Shit, I need to talk to her. But I also need to talk to Carlos and James and... Logan. Sweet, sweet Logan. I need to tell him everything about how I feel. I need to apologize.

What am I saying? I can't apologize. Then he'd win.

This isn't a game Kendall, I tell myself. But, no. It is. It's a game. It's a competition and I need to win. I need to have the last laugh. I need to show him that he's not so special after all.

I beg myself to stop thinking like this. That's what got me into this mess. I need to get help. I need to talk to my mom. I need therapy. If I try to get help, I could get arrested. I could be locked up and be exploited on the news and have to watch the love of my life shake his head and walk away after I beg him not to let them do this to me. I can't do that. I can't tell anyone. I need help, but I can't have it. I just... I need to talk to Logan.

I go to the apartment and I'm about to give a strong knock on our bedroom door when I draw my hand back. I mentally prepare myself for this, reciting the words in my mind even though I know I'll change my mind the second I walk in. Screw knocking, the evil side of me says, you live here. Go in. Tell him what you know. Show him who's boss. I sigh, realizing that I can't change the way that side of my personality thinks. I slowly push the door open and shut it softly behind me. Logan is sitting on his bed, staring up at me with wide eyes.

"Hi," I say, softly, but not softly enough.

He flinches, and it looks like he's form a reply. I almost sit on his bed but decide it's a bad idea. Dammit, where was this conscience when I got him alone before.

"Listen," I practically whisper, "I... I'm sorry. And, well, that probably means nothing. I hurt you so much and I ruined everything and... Why is it that we do the stupidest things when we love someone?"

He just looks at me.

"Okay," I say, "not we. I. I do stupid things. Not even stupid. Destructive. Corrupt. Unmoral."

"Immoral," he croaks.

"Right. Right, right, right. That's just it, Logan. I know that. Immoral. I know so much but when I see your face it melts away and all I know is stumbled words and destructive things. I've hurt myself. I have cuts all over my things and I'm starving myself. But, you know what? I shouldn't be telling you this. I don't deserve to be justifying my actions. There's no justification. What I did was wrong and nothing I say can make it any less so. From the bottom of my heart, I'm sorry. I hope you get better. I hope someday you'll be the happiest, most fortunate person in the world. And maybe, just maybe, you'll be able to talk to me again. I just, I..."

I let myself trail off. Nothing I say means anything anyways. I just sit there on my bed for a good few minutes, staring back at Logan. His doe eyes never leave me. He breathes heavy, and there are tears rimming his eyes. He sniffles, and bites his lips and plays with his fingernails. He's nervous. After the longest couple minutes I've had in a long time, his raspy voice opens up to me.

"K-Ken...I-I um, I loved you. I... I th-think I st-still do... Kendall, you hurt me so much and... I don't get it. I don't know why. But it makes me feel like you're not you. I d-didn't know you hurt yourself. I hurt myself. I'm...I'm not skinny like you. I'm not strong like James and I'm not happy like Carlos. I thought... I th-thought there was something wrong with me. Y-you, you wanted me... I d-didn't kn-ow... but if I can, um, g-get over this... I love you."

By this point we're both sobbing. I make my move now, and go to sit on his bed. He flinches but doesn't show any sign of wanting me gone. I sigh, looking down at my hands and then back up at him.

"I-I think... we should do therapy," he whispers.

"If that's what you want," I say, "B-but... I... what I did was illegal. They could arrest me."

"You're under eighteen."

"I'm almost eighteen. If the reason is right, they could sure as hell arrest me on my birthday."

"I... you're right. I need help."

"We'll find you help," I assure him, "We can keep me anonymous or something. I think if you tell them you want me safe they might keep me safe."

But then I see the way he's looking at me.

"Y-you...do you want me arrested?"

"N-No. No, no, no. But... I think we should spend time apart. Maybe I can go away to some sort of program for at least a couple weeks. Talk about it to people who understand. Come back feeling better and then face you, and really face this."

"Logan, I love you."

"I think I love you too."

**AAAH so so so I know this is overdue. I know, I know, I know. I'm happier now than I've been in years. I have a clear conscience and I'm ready to concentrate on school and writing and everything. Expect more updates soon. I'm sorry I've let you guys down. Thank you for still reading**.


End file.
